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Der Management

New Year Toss and Resolution Crappage

Having always fallen into the camp of finding New Year a mildly depressing a affair I endevoured to enjoy myself this year and I must say succeeded fairly well. Cheap beer made for a good night and it would have been a good night New Year or not.

I still think New Year is pointless and crap. No one celebrated the end of November, mourning the passing of the 30th November 2006 and revelling at the arrival of 1st December 2006 did they? Its the same difference apart from the last number changes.

Also ponitless are New Year Resolutions. If you really wanted to (delete as appropriate) stop eating handfuls of lard/chuffing on cancer sticks/drinking so much your liver resembles a ping pong ball you would have stopped on 13th June/8th May/16th September. These dates are no different from 1st January really.

Death by smoke alarm

Yes, smoke alarms are very important and save lives all over the place. If you haven't got one you should. Go and buy one immediately.

Right now the sensible, moral disclaimer bit is out of the way, I can get on with telling you about my hair brain ponderance. I stayed at my parents this weekend and was shocked out of my sleep at 5'o'clock Saturday morning by my Dad burning toast. It was quite a shock and it took about 15 minutes before my heart rate was back to normal. It was in these 15 minutes that I began to wonder, had anyone ever died of a heart attack due to someone burning toast? Are smoke alarms in fact a stealth killer of the elderly and weak hearted?

Open Source Xmas

Makezine have produced a nice lineup of Open Source and hackable gadgets for Christmas:

"There are hundreds of gift guides this holiday season filled with junk you can buy - but a lot of time you actually don't own it, you can't improve upon it, you can't share it or make it better, you certainly can't post the plans, schematics and source code either. We want to change that, we've put together our picks of interesting open source hardware projects, open source software, services and things that have the Maker-spirit of open source."

The Students amaze us with new heights of laziness

Yep, Children in Need time of year again. Time for the worthy if somewhat tedious TV marathon. Students up and down the country will be sciving of lectures today to raise some money. Now, I quite like it when people do crazy things for charity, you know, climb Mount Snowdon wearing scuba gear, sponsored walking backwards all day and the tradional bath of beans.

However the Students I passed this morning were doing none of these. What were the lazy herberts doing? I here my one reader cry. Well they were standing around in their pyjamas with money collection buckets. Yes the great unwashed did less than they do on a normal day. No thought or imagination just 'I know, lets not bother to get dressed for charity' talk about the height of laziness. I want to see charity collectors dressed as pirates and wookies not students in their dubiously stained PJs.

Feeling Good...and Gig Goers to avoid

Feeling Good....and Gig Goers to avoid.

Another morning where I should be working but I'm blogging. Yes, my desire to share my views with the world is far more important to me than any of this so called 'work' I have to do.

Last night I went to see The Feeling and they were brilliant, the Lead Singer has great stage presence and all of the band are great musicians.

So on stage was great. Its just a shame about the knobheads in the audience. Its the same at every gig I go to. I'm sure these people follow me around. So until I can raise enough money to build the perfect gig venture with sloping floor and isolation pods, here is a list of annoying gig goers to avoid.

Mobile zombies

Why is it that the so called "younger generation" have no common sense? Was this omission the fault of the parents, school, or society in general?
What am I blathering about? Mobile phones.
Whilst driving around, it's not difficult to notice people walking down the street, glued to their mobile phone. You can almost hear the clickety clackety of the buttons, as they mindlessly text inane drivel to each other. More often than not, these very same people mindlessly, much like a zombie would, step out into the road, all the time tapping the puny buttons on their mobile phone.
These mindless mobile zombies don't even bother looking up. It's a scary thought that people can be so engaged in something so very insignificant, that they are willing to risk their lives.

Oh Noes, not nuclear!

Nuclear power is slowing coming back into the limelight after many years of being shelved, it seems. The UK is currently debating this, and the Russians are skipping the debate, and building them A Floating Chernobyl. It logical to assume that this is being done because of the rapid decline of the planet's natural resources. As we edge ever closer to running out of oil, people are looking to other options. Politicians are bringing nuclear power back on the energy agenda, and people are openly saying the word nuclear without having to defend themselves from nay sayers.

Embrace all religions..It means more holidays!

It can't be denied that religion has caused a lot of tension and wars over the years, and it also can't be denied that Britain is now a truly multi-cultural society and immigration and influxes of new people has been part of the make up of Britain for hundreds of years (yes it has, so deal with it you BNP voting, unaware of 1000 years of history Fascists).

I say its time we recognise this in a positive way. The way I propose to do this is to treat every religion equally and make every religious holiday a bank holiday. Think of it! There would be over 100 bank holidays, how great would that be!

Littering Bastards

Once again I find myself absolutely disgusted with humanity. Coming to work on the bus this morning I was on the top deck and a teenager about 5 rows in front of me, opened the window and chucked about some rubbish! You may be thinking, thats not surprising, giving the chav scum that teenagers are want to be nowadays. However this one was not so, this one was very presentable and had the air of nerdiness which would lead me to believe him king of the chess club. The woman sitting next to him gave him a look of absolute disgust. If I'd have been her I would have been tempted to swipe the little scroat with the weighty tome she was reading.

Queens of the Dim

Sometimes people are dim. That's ok we can accept that, we can explain everything slowly and encourage them to learn more. Others act dim in a bid to obtain an easy life and get everyone else to do everything for them.

These people should be shot.

What started me off thinking about this was The Weakest Link last night, one of the contestants was like candy floss in human form "I like being called a dizzy blonde, he he he" she giggled. She made it to the final by batting her eyelids at the male contestants (and despite the fact she didn't know what a caps lock keys was!) and because under her thinly veiled guise of dim, she actually had some knowledge.

10 things

A follow on from Lucy's blog.

These rules apply just as well to idiot road users. You know who you are.

I have come up with the 10 rules for motoring based on you template.

1) Know where you are going
For gods sake people, it's not too difficult to get a map from the internet, or use a little common sense. We do have these things called road signs! Don't just point your vehicle in the general direction you think your destination is, and then drive. Don't dither on junctions and slip roads. Didn't they teach you hesitation kills. Even if you think where you are going is wrong, it's safer to drive normally, and turn round at a safe location. There is no need for the last minute "shit, it's that turnoff" without indicating or thinking about people around you. If it looks like you are committing to turning, people will act. If you change your mind, at worst you cause an accident, best you piss people off.

10 Rules for Behavioural Conduct on Public Transport

After a hideous journey on the tube yesterday, I arrived for my coach with minutes to spare. Because I was late there where hardly any free seats I politely asked a woman if she would move her bag so I could sit down. You should have seen the look on the face, like I'd asked her if I could piss in her mouth and when I asked her to close the curtain a little bit so I wasn't blinded by the Sun, she looked like I'd asked her to gargle!

After this horrid journey and a crappy bus journey this morning I have decide to write rules of conduct for travel on public transport. Yes, travelling on public transport on not a pleasant experience but follow these rules and at least it will be bearable for you and your fellow travellers

Traffic Cone Theory

Whilst travelling back from the middle of nowhere to the hub of humanity that is Manchester last night, I found myself as usual, for the motorways of this country, being diverted into a contraflow on the other side of the carriageway. There appeared to be nothing wrong with the side of the road I should have been on apart from the weird and wonderful formations of cone circles there in. I'm sure it would have looked marvellous from space but I could see no reason why the road was closed and this got me thinking about traffic cone storage (it was late and I was bored!)

Imagine with all the millions of traffic cones in this country if the road work people didn't have enough storage space it keep them when they weren't being used? Imagine if they had to store a certain number on the roads and motorways at all times? Think of all the times you've seen pointless cone formations blocking of perfectly useable roadway. A-ha! you're all seeing my point now ain't ya? I bet half these contraflows and diversion aren't needed, they are simply somewhere to put the cones. As it turned out my little diversion was due to resurfacing but I reckon its still a valid point.

Compaq laptop corrosion

Well... I got a new laptop, for for the most part it's pretty good.

What i'm not happy about is the corrosion of the front grille of the laptop.

It seems that when I use my trackpad, the sweat from my hands goes into the speaker grille. The grille is made of cheapo metal that I cannot easily identify. The sweat has, over the period of 3 months has caused it to corrode into a nasty black mass.

Combover Compulsives

Yesterday I once again found myself staring uncontrollably at a man. I could not take my eyes off of him. I was transfixed, I was like a moth to a flame. Was he gorgeous? stunning? did he have a certain 'je ne sais quoi? No, he had a combover. Yes that crime against hair, the reason for many a stifled giggle. Why do they do it? It's so obvious! If they think that the Mr Whippy creation atop their heads looks like a full head of hair they are more deluded than the idiots we laugh at during the first rounds of the X-factor.

There's nothing wrong with being bald. There's lots of bald men out there who are considered sexy such as Bruce Willis and #Shaft! (insert own funk move) . I am bewildered why anyone would put themselves through the humiliation of going out in a strong breeze with a few whispy strand of thinning hair covering an acreage of skull. I say it's time to ban these barnet disasters and celebrate the baldness of men.

I play football, me by Wayne Rooney

On my way to work this morning I noticed a large advert for Wayne Rooney's autobiography. Here we go again another wet behind the ears celebrity thinking they know it all and cashing in. How old is he? 20? what does he know about life? I can hear it now, all 20 year old autobiographers say the same thing "I may be young but I've already lived a life time" No you haven't! in your cockish young ignorance you just think you have.

I enjoy reading biographies if the person has actually lived a full life. Gone through the ups and downs of relationships, work, children, grandchildren, hardships and highs. What has Wayne Rooney got to talk about? What's he done? Played some great football, been in the tabloids and paid of Colleen's credit card bill. Hardly a page turner.

Mother ******* eBay sniping turds

I hate eBay. Nearly every auction I bid for is sniped at the last minute.
(for the uninitiated:- sniping is using a computer program to purchase an item within the closing seconds)

My last three auctions in a row were sniped with just a couple of seconds to spare.

eBay started as a bidding war as a way to give an authentic auction feel. It seems to degenerate into a war of who has the lowest latency connection.

Surely it's in the best interest of eBay to stop these snipers, and bring back good old fashioned auctioning skills. If an auction was allowed to run it's natural course instead of being a short battle at the end, eBay would make more from realistic bidding.

Love, you stink!

I hate smelly people. They offend me to the core of my being. BO bozos are bad enough but the worst of this 'aromatic' bunch are the over perfumed pollyannas.

Take the girl who sat next to me on the bus this morning - fake tanned to the eyeballs, hair so blonde it was almost see through and she smelt like she'd slept in a vat of Chanel No 5. It was like being slapped in the face with 400 bunches of flowers. Why People Why!?! Stop offending my nasal passges like this!

I'm not saying that the smell of body odour is preferable but at least these stinkers just didn't wash, these perfume abusers smell like that on purpose! Surely it can't be attractive to the opposite sex? I certainly don't find it attractive on men. I like to smell aftershave on my boyfriend when I'm nuzzled right into his neck. I don't want to be on the other side of the room and feel like someone's chucked a bucket of Eau de Bloke over my head.


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